15 years ago, today, was my first day of sobriety. I didn't know that I was starting a new life, at the time - what I did know, though, was that I wanted the life I was living to end. What I meant was that I wanted to die, I wanted to get out ...
I did get out, but not overnight. I didn't know that I would start a journey of living sober, which I hope to continue until the day I die.
10 years ago, today, was the last time I celebrated my sobriety anniversary with cake baked by my mum. I didn't know it would be the last time, of course. I also didn't know that the worst time of my life lay ahead of me.
2009 and 2010 were the hardest, toughest years of my life. I lost my cat, aged 15. I lost my mum and my work situation at the time left me facing life on the streets as a very real possibility. I also found out who my real friends are - since I got kicked in the face from quarters I did NOT see coming!
But as I said, I also found out who my real friends are, some of which also surprised me - in a good way.
2011 turned out the be the best year of my life! I started a new job, moved into a new home, learned a lot of new skills - both work-related as well as home skills, like baking bread rolls! I have never been to such a lot of parties, nor had such a lot of fun in my entire life! Yes, a lot of alcohol flowed around me - yet, I enjoyed myself so much just being with good people, chatting, playing pool, I felt not the least temptation or interest in joining the alcohol consumption.
A lot of people would probably like to claim credit for such an 'achievement', or give credit to the 12 step program and 'how hard' it's being worked - for myself, I feel no such credit due. I know of people who work the steps more diligently than I ever did, and have worked them for much longer than I had - yet, they would not feel comfortable, let alone at ease, in a pub. I'd rather put it down to the simple matter of taste: I never actually liked the taste of alcohol. I also made a point of taking time to search my conscience every time, before entering such a situation: Was I going there for truly valid reasons or was I secretly looking for an excuse to 'slip'?
I do confess that I had dreams about having got drunk again, and dreams about having been drinking all along, during that time. I made no issue of my non-drinking and many people there, had no idea that I wasn't drinking alcohol. But then again, the people I was with did not drink-to-drop, but to them, alcohol was like ambiance, like background music; and if it got too loud, or in the case of alcohol, if they started to 'feel' it, they slowed down!
I learned a LOT about just how different my drinking had always been, compared to non alcoholics, sane approach to drinking! That left absolutely no smidgen of a doubt for me, that MY drinking had NEVER been normal, and I am definitely and undeniably an alcoholic.
Predictably, I also found myself 12th stepping on occasion - people learned that I was not drinking alcohol, asked me why and then wanted to know why I call myself an alcoholic.
Since then, I've moved to East London, back to Pretoria, moved to Port Elizabeth and recently moved back to Pretoria - again! And this time, for good. And for the first time, I'm actually okay with that. I've spent most of my life trying to escape Pretoria - it holds too many memories and too many losses. I've lived in Durban, and now in the Eastern Cape. I love the Eastern Cape, and if I could, that's where I would settle - but I'm okay with Pretoria, now. And not just 'for now', but really okay with it.
Strangely enough, I'm now living just down the road from the last happy place of my childhood - before my father was diagnosed with cancer. The area itself does hold many happy memories, but also some bitter ones.
I'm now making very new memories. My whole attitude towards life, and what I enjoy doing, has changed almost completely. Most of my life, I've occupied my time with indoor activities - now, I'm living outdoors as much as I possibly can.
My life has been 'on hold' many times and for long periods at times. It has been 'on hold' every time between projects, since 2011. It's not a pleasant situation - you sit at home, can't really plan anything or do very much, because any day the call can come to tell you what's next, where to next.
I loved my job as Site Secretary! I loved working on these international projects. I loved learning all the aspects and different skills I could use to be more useful and efficient. I loved meeting people from all over the world! And I especially loved working for a German company - with German precision, efficiency and professionalism.
I loved the parties, I loved the sight seeing, I loved exploring new places. I loved the variety and the continued change - it was never dull!
I will miss quite a few of the people I've met. Chances are, we'll never meet again - that is part of project work; especially when you are national, rather than international. I never wanted to work outside South Africa.
But I am happy here! I'm loving the challenge of my current job: Production Manager! Oh, and Stores Manager and Logistics Manager. Five days a week my brain is used to its full potential, designing systems, then implementing them. One day a week my body is used to its full potential in my garden and as kitty-cuddler! And I'm loving it!
It has been a long and frequently twisted road which brought me here - and on reflection, I'd say that without the twists, I would not appreciate what I have here, right now: A challenging job; a loving home and an awesome landlord! Without the twists, without the setbacks, I might have taken some of these for granted - rather than gained the full pleasure associated with appreciation!
And I've also finally accepted that I'm not a social animal - contrary to societal standards, I do NOT need a circle of close friends visiting regularly. I have friends, friends I care about and who care about me - just not in the stereotypical sense. I can party with the best of them - and enjoy myself tremendously; but I don't miss parties when there aren't any. It's about the people, not the activity.
Here's to another day living sober ...
But as I said, I also found out who my real friends are, some of which also surprised me - in a good way.
2011 turned out the be the best year of my life! I started a new job, moved into a new home, learned a lot of new skills - both work-related as well as home skills, like baking bread rolls! I have never been to such a lot of parties, nor had such a lot of fun in my entire life! Yes, a lot of alcohol flowed around me - yet, I enjoyed myself so much just being with good people, chatting, playing pool, I felt not the least temptation or interest in joining the alcohol consumption.
A lot of people would probably like to claim credit for such an 'achievement', or give credit to the 12 step program and 'how hard' it's being worked - for myself, I feel no such credit due. I know of people who work the steps more diligently than I ever did, and have worked them for much longer than I had - yet, they would not feel comfortable, let alone at ease, in a pub. I'd rather put it down to the simple matter of taste: I never actually liked the taste of alcohol. I also made a point of taking time to search my conscience every time, before entering such a situation: Was I going there for truly valid reasons or was I secretly looking for an excuse to 'slip'?
I do confess that I had dreams about having got drunk again, and dreams about having been drinking all along, during that time. I made no issue of my non-drinking and many people there, had no idea that I wasn't drinking alcohol. But then again, the people I was with did not drink-to-drop, but to them, alcohol was like ambiance, like background music; and if it got too loud, or in the case of alcohol, if they started to 'feel' it, they slowed down!
I learned a LOT about just how different my drinking had always been, compared to non alcoholics, sane approach to drinking! That left absolutely no smidgen of a doubt for me, that MY drinking had NEVER been normal, and I am definitely and undeniably an alcoholic.
Predictably, I also found myself 12th stepping on occasion - people learned that I was not drinking alcohol, asked me why and then wanted to know why I call myself an alcoholic.
Since then, I've moved to East London, back to Pretoria, moved to Port Elizabeth and recently moved back to Pretoria - again! And this time, for good. And for the first time, I'm actually okay with that. I've spent most of my life trying to escape Pretoria - it holds too many memories and too many losses. I've lived in Durban, and now in the Eastern Cape. I love the Eastern Cape, and if I could, that's where I would settle - but I'm okay with Pretoria, now. And not just 'for now', but really okay with it.
Strangely enough, I'm now living just down the road from the last happy place of my childhood - before my father was diagnosed with cancer. The area itself does hold many happy memories, but also some bitter ones.
I'm now making very new memories. My whole attitude towards life, and what I enjoy doing, has changed almost completely. Most of my life, I've occupied my time with indoor activities - now, I'm living outdoors as much as I possibly can.
My life has been 'on hold' many times and for long periods at times. It has been 'on hold' every time between projects, since 2011. It's not a pleasant situation - you sit at home, can't really plan anything or do very much, because any day the call can come to tell you what's next, where to next.
I loved my job as Site Secretary! I loved working on these international projects. I loved learning all the aspects and different skills I could use to be more useful and efficient. I loved meeting people from all over the world! And I especially loved working for a German company - with German precision, efficiency and professionalism.
I loved the parties, I loved the sight seeing, I loved exploring new places. I loved the variety and the continued change - it was never dull!
I will miss quite a few of the people I've met. Chances are, we'll never meet again - that is part of project work; especially when you are national, rather than international. I never wanted to work outside South Africa.
But I am happy here! I'm loving the challenge of my current job: Production Manager! Oh, and Stores Manager and Logistics Manager. Five days a week my brain is used to its full potential, designing systems, then implementing them. One day a week my body is used to its full potential in my garden and as kitty-cuddler! And I'm loving it!
It has been a long and frequently twisted road which brought me here - and on reflection, I'd say that without the twists, I would not appreciate what I have here, right now: A challenging job; a loving home and an awesome landlord! Without the twists, without the setbacks, I might have taken some of these for granted - rather than gained the full pleasure associated with appreciation!
And I've also finally accepted that I'm not a social animal - contrary to societal standards, I do NOT need a circle of close friends visiting regularly. I have friends, friends I care about and who care about me - just not in the stereotypical sense. I can party with the best of them - and enjoy myself tremendously; but I don't miss parties when there aren't any. It's about the people, not the activity.
Here's to another day living sober ...
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