Nope, no luck: another bad night and I still feel as
if all my energy has been sapped, but at least my body isn’t covered in pain.
Usual routine: go to bed, fall asleep, wake up,
struggle to go back to sleep. Lady Jane came for another prolonged cuddle
session after I woke up – she actually fell asleep curled around my hand! It
was too darling! She held on to my hand with all four paws and her head resting
on my hand, as well.
What’s keeping my mind occupied throughout the night
is the complete change of life-style ahead of me. Everything I had planned,
wanted, worked towards, all goals, everything will change. Ideas I had of what
I wanted to do, how I planned to do them – all different. In part because
Pretoria is a completely different place – for one thing, it is more like a
metropolis than a city. Which means that crime is a lot worse there – I should
know. There is also no time when traffic is calmer. In the Easter Cape, early
weekend mornings most people sleep late here, but in Pretoria many don’t, so
there’s no noticeable difference in traffic. Shopping is a very different
issue, firstly last time I was there, shops would maintain stock levels – you don’t
get that now-we-sell-it-now-we-don’t problem. But it also means that I’ll need
to find out which store stocks what. Grocery shopping will take a lot longer in
Pretoria – and I don’t enjoy shopping, so spending more time doing something I
don’t like …
On a positive side, there is also nothing you can’t
get in Pretoria. Which means a wider variety of everything – like, I’ll be able
to get flat beans in Pretoria, something completely unavailable here. I have no
clue why. There are also other specialties, like Carpaccio, which I can buy in
Pretoria to make at home – but only in select stores, which are mostly found on
the East of Pretoria, a long drive from the North.
So, all in all, different routines, different
possibilities, different climate, different culture – a completely different
life-style. At least a known one, though not one I would prefer. It’s very
different to when I first moved to East London, since I was really excited and
looking forward to that change – but this time? Yeah, not really. So I also
have to avoid getting depressed. I do that by listing all the positive points.
Another issue is, of course: Work! It will be
completely different to what I’ve been doing for the past seven years – I’ll be
going back to office routine, and I won’t be working with nor for Europeans. In
this case, European meaning exactly that: people who were trained and work by
standards practiced in European business. South African management is very
emotional rather than professional – although you dare not ever speak those
words. It’s all about image, authority, status and pride – leaving very little
room for results playing any factor. Which is something I have never been able
to handle, in the past. It goes completely against my nature, since I’m a very
fair-minded person and have difficulty processing unfairness. I find it
difficult to keep my mouth shut when a manager makes an undeniably stupid
decision for no reason other than to show me who’s in charge. The worst part,
though, is, when that decision has consequences – which I warned would happen –
and I’m then held responsible. There is absolutely no logic to it – yet, it is
considered ‘professional’ by management. Sadly, the management of the company
where I work, operates like that. Last time I was in Pretoria, I did a lot of
work to improve operating procedures – all of which was ignored. I wrote an
elaborate report. Most fellow employees read it and congratulated me on laying
the problems out so thoroughly and the solutions. Management didn’t even open
it, let alone read it. I did a presentation during which I got a lot of smug patronizing
… like how an adult would indulge a child, not really giving any thought to
what is being said. I’m afraid that I have not yet found a way of coping with
that in a manner which does not aggravate emotional children. Staying calm doesn’t
work, it only aggravates. Nothing worse than pushing someone’s buttons – and finding
that someone has disconnected them. I’ve seen someone literally start frothing
at the mouth when I stayed calm in the face of really obnoxious arguments. So,
work will be an unpleasant challenge – rather than the work, the challenge will
be playing mind games. Sigh.
I’ve been considering pouring myself into projects of
my own. Treating the ‘work’ as an interference to be endured. Doing what I’m
asked to do without applying my brain – and certainly not my full potential.
Only as much as I’ll be allowed to apply. I’ll first have to see what the
situation is like, what is expected of me, before I can make any plans. At
least I won’t have to worry whether what’s expected of me lies within my
capabilities – I just have to avoid stepping outside the intellectual
boundaries set for me.
Okay, enough of all that depressing stuff.
I’m not feeling too well today, as it is. I feel a bit
under the weather, on top of the by-now-familiar low energy. I spent a lot of
time today again handing over the game spreadsheet. This time the trial went
smoothly and hand-over is complete. I then sent a message to all members about
one of the misconceptions that a lot of them seem to have, hopefully they’ll
stop making that extra work in future. It’s mere thoughtlessness, not malice.
Still irritating, though. Anyway, that’s half an hour a day I have re-claimed!
I’m hoping to ease myself into this new life-style
over the next 82 days. Make some of the adjustments when I can, sooner rather
than later. Getting up early is a part of that – sigh, if only I could sleep! I’m
hoping that, having poured all that crap out of my skull into this blog will
help.
For some strange reason, Lady Jane settled herself
behind the curtains to nap. She just emerged and wanted cuddles, first she
settled in my arms happily, but since she’s a restless one, it wasn’t long
before she started getting up and walking on my shoulder, then into my arms
again, then back on the other shoulder. This time I caught a glimpse of myself
in the mirror – as usual, she has her tail wrapped around my forehead like a
living Alice-band! It looks rather weird when the tail is moving.
Well, at the moment my mind feels more at rest than it
did this morning, so I’m hoping – once again – for a good night’s sleep. Is
this getting old? Yeah, for me, too. I’d love nothing more than to have no further
repetitions …
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