Another good night, and a relatively good morning, too! I'm down to my last smoke, so I had half early this morning - and then discovered I still had a whole cigarette in the other box! Lovely! Either way, first mission this morning was to wash tobacco, which is now on the stand, drying, so I can make myself more cigarettes.
In my search for a place, I'm coming across pleas from desperate people. I can't stop thinking about those ... it's got me thinking just how lucky I am to still have a job! And it's got me wondering, whether I really should move - after all, is this place really so bad? Compared to the unknown? Better the evil you know, kind of thing? But then I start the 'even if's. Like, even if I'm not allowed to bath, even if my entire life is being micro-managed, even if I'm never allowed to dry my towels soft again ... And that's just the biggest items, new items are added - and that won't stop, will it? It's going to get worse, who knows how much worse? Plus, of course, from February onward the rent goes up again - and I'll be paying 2021 rent on my 2015 salary!
I'm getting that paralysing fear again ... where I can't do anything productive, just sitting, waiting for better times - which is ridiculous, since times won't get better if I don't make things better. Round and round everything swirling in my head ...
On average, I've moved every 2 years, my entire life - yet every time I have to fight this paralysing fear! Every. Single. Time!
Well, speaking of time, it's just gone one, I've got tobacco ready - just needs to dry a little more, but I've got tobacco to tide me over, too. Kitchen is clean, I've taken out bacon and cheese for more bread rolls this week and my clothes are in the machine, getting washed.
Laundry is hanging to dry, mippies are inside and stuffed with yummies - I'm feeling ... a kind of miserable. Tired of everything. Hope to feel better tomorrow ...
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