MIdnight movers

I was sleeping fine, right up to the moment new neighbours decided to move in – at midnight! Yes, really! I had a difficult time trying to get back to sleep, with them moving furniture, etc. Overall, however, I slept better than last night – at least I’m not as tired as I was yesterday.

At work I bought 3x Ham, Cheese & Tomato Toasted Sandwiches – not nice, but better than nothing. One colleague had bought a hamburger – only to find the beef patty missing! Had to trot all the way back to get his patty.

These past weeks I’ve been reading someone’s blog. She started writing seven years ago, when she was in her late twenties. On the outside, she is a completely different person to me: dynamic, entrepreneur, Korean, living in NYC, health- and fitness-aware and sexually liberal. In personality everything I once wanted to be like. Everything my alcoholism distorted. And, until I had read her blog, I did have some regrets that my life might have been on a better track, if it wasn’t for that disease. However, on the inside, I found myself identifying with her so much! Whereas, unlike me, she made every effort to not only find her dreams but also make them happen (she is quite the entrepreneur! Really impressive!) – inside we shared the exact same insecurities! Am I good enough? Why are friends letting me down? Do I look funny or sexy when I dance? Why can’t I find a husband? What is wrong with me? Why don’t I have a host of friends?

This, I think, is where diary-like or journal-like blogs are so wonderful! Reading someone else, who – on the outside is so impressive – but suffers from the same insecurities. Knowing that ‘It’s not just me’ is such a relief! I’m not sure whether it would have made any difference, if I could have read something like this twenty years ago – it’s a moot question, now. But it has definitely evaporated some of my regrets! And also helped to accept that alcoholism was not the cause of ALL my insecurities, some were simply the normal issues at that age.

That’s also one reason I’m writing this blog. Someone may stumble across this blog some day, feeling low about their dull, mundane life – and maybe reading about mine they’ll feel less depressed about their own life. My life is pretty dull. I don’t do many exciting things. I don’t take trips, I don’t exercise, I don’t go all-healthy with my food. I don’t party every weekend. I don’t spend quality time with family on weekends. I don’t have a man in my life, I don’t even have a pet. And I don’t have a fat salary – I live pretty much hand-to-mouth, I’m afraid. And I’m not in a financial position, where I can afford to retire – ever. And yet, I’m quite happy! Maybe not deliriously happy, but overall content with moments of happy-dance bliss! Like the first time the neighbours cat let me pick him up! I’ve lived there over a year before he finally allowed me to even pet him of his own accord! Or when a new flower goes into bloom! Small things, maybe – but I am convinced Abraham Lincoln was right when he said that people are as happy as they choose to be. I could choose to be depressed over my financial dilemma – or I can choose to be grateful that I have a roof over my head, food on my plate and clothes on my back ... though I’m sure the rest of the world is just as happy about the latter as I am, hehe.

And I have managed to save up at least one month’s income already – through the extra work I did on weekends. And I do have a plan for adding to my income – even though I haven’t made much progress on that front, yet. And I am actually much happier working a nine-to-five desk job, than I was when I was trying to obtain contracts for myself. If I was younger, I might be more ambitious – but at fifty, my ambition is to live rather than a profession. And: although my working hours are along the nine-to-five routine – the work itself is not! There are some routine tasks – that’s unavoidable, but most of what I do is not routine! How many secretaries do you know that pick up strange men at airports? Or have to read technical drawings? Or do Health & Safety Admin (i.e. the whole file including maintenance)? Or co-ordinate the local logistics of container deliveries? Or move from city to city for different projects? And how many do all of the above? Every day is fun! I love my job! It has it’s ups and also its downs. Like not knowing even whether there is a next project after this one for me. Not knowing when I will have to move out of my current home. Not knowing where I’ll be moving to. But at least I know I won’t be unemployed – and that’s the big one! I know I will have a roof over my head, food on my plate and clothes on my back.

I’ve had some idea of settling down here. Staying put. Finding contracts here at a higher rate then I’m earning now. My boss is on board if I choose to explore that option – I’d keep getting my current salary plus a percentage of what I bring in above, sort of like a commission. I’ve given that a lot of thought – and frankly, when it looked like the sites would all be run by South Africans rather than by German Site Managers, it was a very attractive exit. However, the more I thought about it, the more I came to know myself – and I don’t like marketing or educating the market for contracts. I much prefer a nine-to-five steady work, steady income ... and then do something fun, in my own time to increase my income. If I feel like writing the kind of eBooks to educate the market – I can do that. I could market those via LinkedIn. And if I feel like researching and writing about East London – I can do that, either instead of or as well as anything else I feel like. Earn a living while Living with a capital ‘L’. My life, my way – not doing extravagant stuff to show off, but doing what I want to and enjoy doing.

I used to have this need to leave something behind, some proof that I existed once I’m gone. You know, like normal people have children. Nowadays, I find the thought of passing unnoticed rather comforting. Strange, yet that’s how I feel these days. I’m not even bothered to leave a will – having seen how that gets treated by those ‘entrusted’ with executing last wishes … why bother?

Now THIS line of thought IS depressing. Here’s something uplifting: Look at these pretty flowers I found opened up today!