Another bad night followed by yet another early
morning. I’m starting to seriously feel tense and stressed. With all the
physical side-effects my body creates … the back injuries from past car
accidents are giving me tension headaches, and my colon is going into overdrive
– especially since I’m not really eating much; and what I eat is not really
helpful.
If only I could sleep! I’ve tried meditating, I’ve
tried kittie-cuddling, I’ve tried avoiding stimulants (i.e. less coffee! but
unfortunately, I’m smoking more …). I get to sleep okay, but wake up soon
afterwards! And not the ‘mind-half-asleep stumble to the bathroom’ wake-up, but
instant wide-awake, mind at full speed going off on tangents! And then I
struggle again to go to sleep. I’m physically exhausted, low on energy, but as
tense as … well, something that’s very tense.
This can’t go on, if I don’t find a way to break this
cycle, I will get sick – and I can’t afford to! Time! There just isn’t enough
time! And with every day that goes by, the pressure rises – and, although I’ve
got things done, it’s not enough. It feels like I’m running in circles, going
nowhere fast! I feel guilty every time I sit down, every minute I’m not
packing, every minute I ‘waste’ on non-move-related tasks – including the
unavoidable household chores, like dishes, cooking, eating.
That’s my Adult Child characteristics! I’m guessing at
what normal people would do in my situation, but I have no real basis for
deciding what normal really is. Adult Children also have difficulty following a
project through from beginning to end – and I’m now faced with a project I MUST
follow through to the end. That scares the bejeebers out of me! Adult children
judge themselves without mercy – well, I’m not perfect, normal people are
perfect … and I’m not meeting my own insane expectations … only, I have
forgotten that my expectations are insane. Adult Children alo overreact to changes
over which they have no control … that pretty much sums up the past 5 days,
doesn’t it?
So. Time to admit that I’m powerless and my attempts
to control the uncontrollable are not only driving me insane, but making my
life unmanageable. Back to the program, remember what you learned? I don’t have
to manage my life, that’s not my job! Hand over the control-freak, let go … and
trust that absolutely nothing will happen to me, that together, with a power
greater than myself, I can not handle! I have 13 years experience and memories
to draw on – it’s no longer a matter of ‘blind faith’ or unfounded trust. Every
time I ‘let go and let God’, the perfect solution popped into my head! All I
have to do is open the communication-line – clear my head of all the junk; then
take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
Right. Now I’m beginning to grasp that handing over my
tasks in the fellowships is NOT something I should feel guilty about. I’ve put a
lot of time and effort into building a community, rather than whipping players
to meet targets – even though it is indeed ‘just a game’, there are real people
behind the Avatars. They deserve the ability to continue – and not to be just dropped.
It’s bad enough when fellows do that – just quit playing without a word. But I’ve
taken on leadership of two fellowships – and if I just quit, I’m dropping some
30-40 people! People I’ve come to know and care for – and who, in turn, also
care about me!
So. I also have a volunteer plus back-up for the
newcomer fellowship. To carry on helping new players find their feet and grow –
then join the big fellowship. Both have joined the Rising Stars Fellowship, but
only recently. They haven’t had the chance to get to know the fellowship – so on
Sunday, I wrote extensive bios on each of the players. What I know about them,
and especially what I’ve discussed with each of the older ones with respect to
a) the spreadsheet feature and b) moving to the big fellowship.
With that done, my mind is beginning to calm a little
and I turn my attention back to the whole move thing.
My biggest concerns are: 1) how to transport the cats,
2) time! Two months is simply not enough time! 3) Year End is the worst
possible time to not just travel but also, there are business’ I’ll need –
maybe labour? Carpet cleaners. And what if something unexpected comes up – I’ll
have no options to make a plan!
I’ve decided to call my boss and ask him to postpone –
hopefully till end of February, but at least to the end of January! He’s a
great problem solver, so he will ask why – and he will suggest solutions to
anything; and remain firm on the date. BUT: The end of year shutdown … he’s
also realistic and he know that, no matter how good you plan, things can go
wrong and you will need to make a plan. Having no options available, really can’t
be solved. Also, he does care about my well-being … and I haven’t been able to
sleep since he told me. He is definitely not unreasonable, just very, very good
at being firm. And I’m not a good negotiator.
What’s the best time to call him? Well, first, I need
to have solid points firmly in my mind, so I don’t babble. Although I know he
doesn’t mind, I don’t like to call him on weekends. So, I will call on Monday.
Right. Next. Cats. I start looking online, the first
sites that pop up are airline sites – with practically all the same guidelines;
and the standard requirements set by the SPCA. I look at the cost of flying
them … and it’s about the same as flying myself. That is, all three cats will
cost about the same as one ticket for a person. BUT: I will have to take Ziva
for her booster shots – she’s due in December. Mewthos and Lady Jane are due in
January, but they may insist that they get their shots before they fly, like
they should be ‘immune’ for at least some time. Like you can’t travel on a
passport that’ll expire on the date you plan to return, they expect it to be
valid at least 6 weeks or 3 months past the date. I hadn’t planned on boosting
their vaccinations – it’s so expensive! And I never took Mynx for annual
booster shots, nor has Rose taken any of hers, ever!
I decide to start by asking our vet! I write down some
questions, so I don’t forget – and list what I want to buy (1x 4kg food, some
sachets and as many catnip shakers as they have!).
Our gardener will work for me on Monday. I’ll have to
tell him the bad news: That this is his last day working for me. I hate to
deprive him of his income – especially so shortly before Christmas! But I
really can’t afford to waste any money, now – I will need every penny I can
hold on to!
Right. Next. I do need some groceries, even though I’m
not really eating! I’ve started clearing out what’s in the freezer – I’ve taken
out the Leberkäse for tonight. I decide to go to Makro, get a fair stock of
packing tape and I’ll have to go soon, anyway, as I’m running out of
cigarettes. I start writing a list of what I’ll need … and then I think “Why
not stock up? Save yourself the time of going again next month?” Well, I can’t
really afford to do 2 months stock on one month’s salary, so I decide to stock
up gradually … get 1 ½ months now, and another 1 ½ month after pay-day; that
will save my having to go during the Christmas madness.
When I finished the list, I re-write it in the order I’ll
encounter items in the store. I also decide to look at prices for a new
Induction cooker plate – since mine is starting to act up.
After Makro, I’ll come back via Sunridge Spar and get
some fresh groceries, like pasta salads, fruit & veg, meat.
Right. It’s a plan. One day at a time. Off to bed, and
hope I can sleep, for a change.
As I’m leaning over the oven, to switch off the
kitchen light, I feel the heat – and remember: I had put the Leberkäse in the
oven for dinner … hours ago! Oh gosh! Well, I forgot to have dinner, yet again.
I switch off the oven, the light and go to bed.
Tossing and turning. Sit up and meditate. Tossing and
turning. Cuddle kitties. Tossing and turning … then … sleep.
Awake! What time is it? Oh dang, 2 in the morning. Why
am I wide awake, again? Try to get back to sleep …
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