14 June 2017

Woke up way past seven – again! When I got to my gate I saw it was open! Somebody was in my garden during the night! I’ll have to check whether anything’s missing or damaged – they got no further than my garden, at least. They didn’t even have to break in, as the padlock shackle is so long as to be ineffective. Maybe it’s time to get a more effective padlock, as this isn’t the first time. On the other hand, my neighbours gate is locked securely and somebody still got in and helped themselves to the contents of her car (she’d left the window a hand-breadth open – that one time only!). Thirty years ago the thought of a criminal this close to where I sleep would have freaked me out! But twenty odd years living in the New South Africa, I’m just glad whoever it was stayed outside and made no attempt to get into my home! I’ve been held up at gunpoint in my home twice already – and it’s always a problem that I don’t have what they expect such as a handbag, jewelry, etc. The first time was bad. They held me at gunpoint for a long time asking over and over for my handbag. I don’t have one. All the time facing the barrel of a gun held by a young, nervous criminal who keeps repeating “I will shoot you” while the other one goes through my place looking for a handbag. Eventually they did find an old handbag underneath a pile of junk at the back of my wardrobe – empty, of course, since I hadn’t used it for so long, I’d forgotten I even had it! Only then were they satisfied – even though it contained no money, no cards, nothing. Instead they took what CD’s I had (about a dozen classics like Buddy Holly, and I don’t remember what else), my cellphone, my keys and the antique black-and-white portable TV as well as the second-hand heavy tube TV – which it took both of them to carry! They got away with nothing of any real value – even though they took my car keys (which cost me a fortune to replace the locks!) they left the car! How did they get in? I was in one of a group of cottages on a farm secured with electrical fencing all round ... or so I had was (mis-)led to believe. So, surrounded by neighbouring cottages within sight and earshot, on a warm summer evening I opened the door – as the windows were too small to relieve the heat.

It took me many, many weeks to recover from that trauma! At first I assumed I would be fine in a week or so, but after a week I caught myself suddenly shaking uncontrollably for no apparent reason! The GP sent me to a psychiatrist and with fear and trepidation – envisioning a life-time’s therapy beyond my financial means – I made the appointment. I got lucky. The Psychiatrist explained Traumatic Stress Syndrome in terms I could understand – using a program-loop as a metaphor. Then he explained the difference between Acute and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and the importance of preventing the Acute becoming PTS and exactly how I can cure myself. No life-long therapy. No hour-long sessions. Only one, at most two, follow-up sessions when I was ready, to be sure those criminals left no footprints in my life.

Basically, trauma affects the brain’s chemistry – and the normal filing-away of memories cannot happen in that abnormal state. So while the mind tries to process what is happening – and afterwards what has happened – the brain chemistry is not in memory-filing mode. So the experience sort of runs like an endless loop looking for an exit or outlet of some sort. Left to its own devices (i.e. untreated) the mind will find an outlet – like I began to shake uncontrollably for no apparent reason. Irrational aggression is another common outlet. Developing new, irrational – or even seemingly rational – fears, such as fear of darkness is another common outlet. Worse even, the mind may continue to find more and more outlets – and a previously open, friendly and easy-going person could become an aggressive recluse ruled by a multitude of phobias. When I grew up, it was called “shell-shock” a term applied to soldiers going back as far as WWI – and I’d heard many frightening stories about distant uncles and such.

“Something was wrong. They put on civilian clothes again and looked to their mothers and wives very much like the young men who had gone to business in the peaceful days before August 1914. But they had not come back the same men. Something had altered in them. They were subject to sudden moods, and queer tempers, fits of profound depression alternating with a restless desire for pleasure. Many were easily moved to passion where they lost control of themselves, many were bitter in their speech, violent in opinion, frightening. “ – War correspondent Philip Gibbs (Shephard, Ben. A War of Nerves: Soldiers and Psychiatrists, 1914-1994. London, Jonathan Cape, 2000).

To prevent such long-term effects, I had to help my brain file the memory where it belongs. And the only way to achieve that is to re-live the trauma while the brain’s chemistry is in normal, non-trauma mode. Sounds so simple, yet I cannot remember anything I’ve done before or since I’ve had to work so hard to achieve! There are different media to re-live an experience, I opted to write it down, or rather type it out. The trick, however, is to first work towards achieving non-traumatic brain chemistry and maintaining that throughout. I would start with basic relaxation excercises such as basic breathing excercises, simple muscle-relaxing excercises, etc. Then I would sit in the lotus-position and do my best to clear my mind. This could take between 15 min to an hour. When I finally felt at peace and relaxed, I would start writing – starting at the point when I looked up straight into the barrel of a gun. I would continue as far as I could get. At least once a day, sometimes twice. Over and over and over again. After each attempt I felt absolutely drained – and would sleep for at least an hour. I had very little energy in those days. It’s been my experience that mental strain tends to drain one of more energy than any physical activity. It was slow going, but I got further and further through the traumatic experience every time – until finally I got all the way through! I cannot describe the relief and sense of empowerment I felt! Me: 1 – Criminals: 0! I beat them!

I went back to the psychiatrist for a follow-up and he confirmed I seemed to be fine, no after-effects left. It took me three months to get that far! Sadly the common prejuidicial labels ‘weak’, ‘coward’, ‘lacking moral fibre’ have not changed in over a hundred years!

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a natural emotional reaction to a deeply shocking and distrubing experience – it is a normal reaction to an abnormal experience.

I know many people who claim to have ‘just got over it’ – and I know they are lying even though they don’t know it themselves ... yet. Having known them before, I recognise changes, uncharacteristic behaviour. Uncharacteristic intolerance or irritablility are – in my opinion – good signs, because they are at least outlets. But some are able to suppress all symptoms – until one day they snap! And that ‘snap’ can be lethal! Some ‘merely’ commit suicide – but others ...

And yet, they are admired for their apparent ‘strength of character’!

All this living up to perceived standards set by an uncaring mob – I’m glad that for myself, I’ve mostly got over it! Only when someone who’s opinion I value labels me with such ignorant self-righteousness do I still get hurt – it’s personal! Until I re-evaluate the value I placed on their opinion – and usually they loose at least some of my respect. And yes, this is turning towards a specific person – so I’ll leave it at that.

Anyway, that was in 2003. My second experience was less than two years ago, on 14^th July 2015, when I was held up at gunpoint in my room at the B&B where I was staying while I looked for a flat to rent in Pretoria. This time it two experienced criminals just walked in, in broad daylight! I looked up, smiling when the ‘Can I help you’ froze on my lips as I looked straight into the barrel of a gun. I looked from face to face (there were two of them) and the second man held a finger to his lips indicating I should be quiet. This time they insisted on jewelry – which I don’t have. They seemed to know that the owner was a jeweler – but didn’t know this was a guesthouse. They tied me up and covered me with the duvet so I wouldn’t see them. The worst fright I got when they motioned me to lie down on the bed – but I was quickly reassured that they weren’t going to hurt me. They left me in my room and proceeded to enter the main house – I heard the assistant near-scream when she saw them; then heard them in the house through the wall. I wondered whether I should try to leave – call for help (I could get escape the shoe-laces they’d used to tie my hands quite easily and did so, as it was quite uncomfortable lying flat on my chest with my hands behind my back) – but I feared they, or a third person, might see me and shoot. I later learned that at least a third person was indeed keeping an eye from the road – and I would have been seen, maybe even shot. They actually came back into my room some time later – I heard someone rummaging around in my wardrobe. This being my second time, I decided to work the treatment I had learned the first time, while I was waiting for them to leave. I was scared, but quite calm. Fortunately I am not hysterical by nature – I don’t even want to think what could have happened, had I gone hysterical either time! But just to be on the safe side, I made another appointment with the same psychiatrist – and he confirmed that I showed no signs of Acute nor Post Traumatic Stress. The first week or two after it had happened, I would sometimes react over-aggressive to minor irritations – but nothing since.

The owner of the guesthouse turned out to be a really selfish, heartless ... creature! She knew that the area would be affected by load-shedding the following evening for two hours – and went out, leaving me – her guest – unprepared and in total darkness from six to eight the night of the armed robbery! Every normal guesthouse considers it their responsibility to inform guests that the area would be affected by load shedding PLUS provide some means of light for guests during that time! Never mind that I had just been the victim of an armed robbery!

This time, I did loose things of value: my laptop, with all my work of the past 2 years on it and the all external hard-drives I used to backup everything. All the series, F1 races and movies I'd been collecting over the past couple of years - all gone! Photo's I had taken during my last week in East London - gone! My internet dongle, the data I had just bought, cash out of my wallet ... I'm still upset over some of the losses. It's taken me months to re-record everything off my DVD's and re-name, re-sort everything again! But my work? That's gone ... 

I know I should focus on gratitude that nobody was hurt, and after all, all they took were 'things' which can be replaced. But that's not really the whole of it, is it? I WORKED for those things, I spent hours at work to earn the money so I could afford those things - and now I'd have to spend more hours earning the money to replace what was rightfully mine because some bold impudent criminals choose to get rich off other people's backs!

And all those hours I had spent lovingly sorting through my collection, arranging it, adding tags - and they'll probably just re-format without a thought to sell or pawn! And there are people out there, who call themselves 'law-abiding' who will buy stolen goods thinking themselves real smart for finding such a 'good deal'! THAT is what upsets me most of all. People always call me 'irrational' or 'emotional' when I get angry at acquaintances telling me about buying expensive hardware cheap 'off the back of a truck'. It is personal! Somebody out there congratulated themselves over getting one of MY hard-drives at a 'bargain-price' - with no thought to what I suffered for those 'bargains'!

Evidently I feel very strongly about this, and worked up as I am, sleep will come slowly so let me close with another sunset photo.