12 June 2017

Late morning again, so just coffee, get dressed and off to work. Happily I had no trouble getting out of bed – I was a bit worried late last night, when I tried to turn on my other side and yelped in pain. Some sort of cramp had developed in my left hip or leg and every movement produced a piering pain. Lying still was painless, so I focussed on falling asleep – sounds strange, I know, but when some worry keeps nagging at you, it takes an effort to ignore. I usually have an audio book playing – so I focus my mind on visualising what is being described in the book and that uses up all my imagination leaving no room for worries. I’ve found it best to play a book I’ve already read – or I’ll stay awake wanting to know what happens until I know how it ends, and that’d defeat the whole purpose. When cassette tapes were still available, I bought a lot of Terry Pratchett, Agatha Christie, etc – and I’ve converted quite a few to MP3 format ... another one of my hobby-projects.

The sky was overcast leaving the sun behind clouds, a dark start to the day. At least I won’t be leaving before sunrise and arriving back home after sunset again this year. At the winter solstice (21^st June) sunrise is at 07:22 and sunset at 17:16 – leaving not even 10 hours daylight. Last year this time my working hours were 07:30 – 17:00, so I’d watch the sun rise on my way to work and set on my way home. By now my hours are somewhat less – since it’s later in the project, and my workload is under control. I start around 08:00 and finish at 16:00, except Fridays when I finish at three. This morning, when Uitenhage came into view as I reached the top of the hills I was delighted to see the factory at the end of a tripple-rainbow! Just the one end of the rainbow with two pale, barely visible replicas all in a row.

Work today is lah-di-dah. First thing this morning I found that the weekend-thief had been busy again. Last time my whole collection of tabs (flip-tabs / page markers) and all my highlighters had been stolen. At first I was sure it must be someone playing a joke on me – but it turned out they had really all been stolen. As had my rubber finger-tip. And today my staple-remover had been stolen! I find it a bit disconcerting that management seems to show now concern; I guess that will change when something more serious than my stationery disappears.

At work I have random conversations with random strangers, usually in the smoking area. One of these is with a highly-stressed youngster and I’ve been sharing my experiences relating to stress management with him – now he calls me his guru!

Having been diagnosed with a spastic colon in my mid twenties, I’ve had no choice but to learn to manage stress – or suffer! I would be in pain at the slightest stress-levels, when I didn’t even feel stressed yet. Fortunately, once the cause of the pain was finally correctly diagnosed (after nine months non-stop pain and a hemicolectomy [half my colon surgically removed] – don’t get me started!) I was referred to a wonderful GP who helped me learn to manage and avoid pain – as much as one possibly can avoid it. But I absolutely had to learn to manage stress. Here my favourite definition of stress:

“Stress is the confusion created when the mind overrides the body’s desire to strangle the living daylights out of someone who desperately needs it.”

And my favourite stress relief:

“Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. No on knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is crystal clear. You can easiliy make out the face of the person you are holding under the water. There now, feeling better?”

This is my last resort – when I seem to find no other means of dealing with some upset. Most of the time however, the polish proverb “ Not my circus, not my monkeys” works beautifully. Of course, it took me decades to get there – and, equally of course, my drinking didn’t help! I had always been obsessed with analysing the root cause of any issue as being essential to finding a solution. When it came to my drinking problem, though, the obsessive need to analyse turned out to be more problem than beginning of a solution. I had to declare absolute defeat, completely accept that I am utterly powerless. I remember that vital turning point as if it was yesterday! From that point onwards my life turned towards finding true serenity, as opposed to merely coping or ‘hanging in there’.

At this point in my life I’m quite happy! I have a job which pays enough to keep a roof over my head, food in my fridge and clothes on my back. As long as I budget I can even afford some luxuries.

This past year I am happiest when I’m busy in the garden, I get a lot of joy and pleasure clearing weeds, opening breathing and living space for wanted plants. It always puts me in mind of the book ‘The Secret Garden’ by Frances Hodgson Burnett. I am only renting, and I know that soon I’ll have to move again – where to? I do not know as yet. So why put so much effort into something I won’t be able to enjoy? Simple: It’s the effort that is giving me joy! The flowers I’ve sowed will probably be overgrown and mowed down within a year of my leaving. The path will be covered by weeds again. The vegetable patch will be covered in weeds and mowed down. The hedge will re-grow and the creeper-weed and thorns take over again. I know all that – so why work so hard? Because the earth receives my loving diligence and remembers. All plants – from the grass to the indigenous flowers – enjoy my loving care and attention. And they remember. Maybe only for a season, maybe a little longer – but I love every minute spent attending to my secret garden!

All my life I’ve coped or hung in there or just endured and kept going – always working towards some ‘One day, when ...’ when what? I always worked towards some goal, striving to achieve financial security, convinced that achievement would automatically result in complete serenity and happiness. Yet here I am today – happier than I’ve ever been! Having no clue when I have to move again or where to next. And here the proof: 1993, 2004 and 2014! 

1993

2004

2014

My mum’s best friend (going back to her childhood! Wow!) taught me to cover the facial expression and look at only the eyes – to see true feelings. In the first two photos I’m laughing, the last one smiling. I don’t know, but in the first two photo’s I see a haunted look, whereas the last radiates contentment. May not be the same as happiness, but it beats haunted!